sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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