guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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