shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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