I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
