a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
