Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
