just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
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