....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
