I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
These tits shall not be calmed
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
