My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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