My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
