So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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