So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
