So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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