Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He did a backflip because drugs
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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