There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
