apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
