guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
