i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
