I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
