New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
