I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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