There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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