I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize