If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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