I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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