My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
