Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
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