He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
