i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
