She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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