some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
