I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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