dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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