her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
