someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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