I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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