I have demons in me.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
