well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
