Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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