so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
