Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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