he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
