Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
