i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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