oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
