i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
