she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
