his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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