I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize