How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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