Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
