dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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