i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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