When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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