My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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