hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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