I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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