Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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