this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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