I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Michael Bay diarrhea
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
