I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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